Category: 2. Saying goodbye to your baby

You may want to wash and dress your baby for the funeral. If your baby has had a post-mortem examination, ask the hospital staff to tell you what to expect. For example, they can describe where any stitch lines might be and make other suggestions for handling your baby. Any stitch lines will be covered when the baby is dressed and wrapped. Alternatively, you could ask the hospital staff or the funeral director to help you.

Depending on your baby’s size and condition, you may want them to be dressed in a particular outfit or wrapped in a special blanket. You may also want to put special items into your baby’s coffin, such as a soft toy, photos, a letter or a poem. Some parents keep an identical outfit, blanket, toy, letter or poem as a keepsake. Any other children within or close to your family may like to draw a picture or write a letter. However, if you have decided to have your baby cremated, you should ask the funeral director or crematorium what you can put in the coffin with your baby.

If your baby was in neonatal intensive care, they might not have worn any clothes. Many babies wear only a nappy when they are in an incubator so this might be the first time that you will be dressing your baby.

Some parents feel they want to take their baby home before the funeral. Unless a coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post-mortem examination, this is usually possible.

If you would like to take your baby home, or out of the hospital environment to a place which has special meaning for you, feel free to discuss this with a midwife or nurse. Many hospitals give parents a form to take with them to confirm their right to take their baby’s body out of the hospital. You may like to take your baby for a walk or to meet any other siblings, family or friends.

The staff should also give you information about keeping your baby as cool as possible. Some hospitals, children’s hospices and funeral directors have cold cots (also known as cuddle cots) which can help to keep your baby cool and stop their body from deteriorating. You may be able to borrow one for your baby.

If your baby remains in hospital, they are likely to be kept in the hospital or maternity unit mortuary. You will be able to visit your baby, although this might feel more difficult than the time you spent with them on the ward, as it is more formal and may be in a Chapel of Rest or a room by the mortuary for adults as well as babies and children who have died.

If the hospital is arranging the funeral, the staff will tell you when to bring your baby back or when to take them to the funeral director. If you are arranging the funeral yourself, you will have the option of keeping your baby at home with you until the funeral takes place. We have resources for funerals on the Sands website; see Funeral and Services in the Useful Links and Organisation section of our website.

If your baby died before birth and had not reached 24 weeks of pregnancy, you won’t be able to register their birth officially. You may, however, request a special certificate from Sands.

If your baby was stillborn at 24 weeks or later, or died after birth, you are legally required to have a burial or cremation for them, although not necessarily a funeral. Your baby’s stillbirth, or birth and death, must be registered by the local registrar of births and deaths. The hospital staff will tell you how and where to register. The registrar will give you a certificate that you will need for the burial or cremation.  

Although there is no legal requirement to have a funeral, this could be an opportunity to say goodbye to your baby in the presence of your family and friends. If you prefer for the hospital to arrange the funeral, you might need to let them know before you are discharged to go home. Some hospitals can arrange funerals only for those babies who died before birth. Most funeral directors will offer a funeral free of charge for babies.

You may want to wash and dress your baby, or you could ask the midwife or nurse to show or help you. For many parents, bathing and dressing their baby is a special time which is a chance to care for them and becomes a treasured memory.

You could bring something from home for your baby to wear. If your baby is very small, the hospital may be able to supply suitable clothing. Many units have a stock of very small clothes. You may also be able to order very small clothing online at https://littlebabyandco.com

If your baby’s condition makes dressing them difficult, you may want to wrap them in a blanket or something similar, and, if you would find it helpful, a midwife or funeral director can help you do this.

Many parents decide to name their baby, giving the baby their own identity and making it easier to talk about them. Some parents continue to use a nickname that they used during the pregnancy. If a baby is extremely premature or has died some time before they were born, it can be hard to determine their gender and you might like to choose a name that fits either gender.

You do not have to name your baby if this does not feel right for you.

If your baby lived for a short while, or was admitted to a neonatal unit, you may have held and cuddled your baby before they died. You may have provided skin-to-skin care and spent time next to their incubator reading stories to them, and, if you are the birth mother, you might have expressed your milk for them.

If your baby died before or during the birth, the midwife or nurse will usually ask if you would like to see and hold them. If you want to see your baby and no one has suggested it, ask the staff caring for you.

Some parents feel it is important to see their baby regardless of their size, condition or the stage at which they died. Some parents may find the idea of seeing and holding their baby strange and a bit frightening, especially if they haven’t previously seen anyone who has died. For many parents, the time they spend with their baby forms precious memories going forward. 

If you are not sure about seeing your baby, or are anxious about how your baby will look, you could ask the midwife or nurse to show you a photo. If your baby has a visible anomaly, you can ask your midwife or nurse to describe your baby. You can also ask for your baby to be washed and dressed before you see them or ask someone to help you do this.

If your baby died quite a long time before the birth, their appearance and colour may have changed. These changes are difficult to predict and may influence whether or not you wish to see your baby. You could ask the midwife or nurse to describe your baby for you first. If you choose not to see your baby, you may decide that you want to see just part of them, such as their hand or foot.

If you initially decided not to see your baby, or were too unwell, but would like to afterwards, do contact the hospital. It is important to remember that you do not have to make the same decision as your partner. Each parent needs to do what is right for them and you may also like to see your baby more than once, or take them home.