Category: 7. Information and support for relatives and friends

This section is written for grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, colleagues and friends of the parents. Each of you reading this might have had a different relationship with the baby and their family. We are very sorry that a baby who was important to you has died.

We know that this is a very sad and difficult time for the baby’s parents, for you and for the whole family. It is important that you access support yourself if you need it and be aware of the impact that the death has had on you and those around you.

Many friends, family and colleagues choose to raise money in memory of the baby’s and as a way of showing their support to the parents. From making a donation to organising a fundraising event doing anything in memory can provide a real comfort to those who know that their donations are going to help others going through difficult times. There are loads of ways you can do something tangible in their memory. Do visit our website https://sands.org.uk/get-involved or contact our Supporter Care team on 0203 908 5525. 

Parents may want to create memories of their baby and depending on what they decide, you may also want to ask about creating your own keepsakes.

If the parents decide to have photos taken, these photos may include some of the baby alone, with one or both parents, with brothers and sisters, or with you or other family members. You may want a photo to keep and perhaps display at home.

Even though babies and very young children might not understand what has happened, they are likely to be sensitive to the feelings of people around them. Their behaviour may change. For example, they may become clingy and dependent, and their eating and sleeping patterns may change.

This can be very hard for grieving parents who are already exhausted with grief. If it is possible for you to help with childcare, this could help them have some time for themselves. Being looked after by a trusted relative or friend who loves them may also help children to feel cherished and important. However, it may be better for some children to remain in their own home and spend time with their parents and with you.

It is important that parents tell their children what has happened. What a child is told will often depend on the child’s age and ability to understand, the questions they ask, and the parents’ decisions. It can be helpful if you know what has been said and discussed with the children. It may also help if you try to use the same words and phrases, and avoid giving more information than the parents have agreed.

You may also notice that the parents change their approach to caring for their living children. For example, some parents may react by becoming very protective of their children. Other parents may “relax the rules”. It is important to try to understand that the parents are doing the best they can in extremely difficult circumstances.

You might find that the parents rely on other relatives and friends more than on you, and this might feel painful for you. Be aware of prioritising the parents’ need for help over your own need to help. There can often be a rush to help initially but there will be a need for ongoing support for many months and years.

Some bereaved parents find it distressing to be around expectant or new parents and babies. It can be very hard if another family member or friend is pregnant or has a healthy baby. It can also be difficult for the parents of a new baby; they may feel constrained and unable to celebrate their baby’s arrival as they would like. It is important to recognise and acknowledge this and maybe give bereaved parents a private opportunity to meet your baby when they are ready.

Sometimes relatives and friends try to protect the parents from further pain by removing equipment and clothes that were bought for the baby. It is really important to check carefully as to whether this would actually be helpful.

Many parents prefer to clear away the baby’s things themselves in their own time, even though it may be weeks or months before they feel able to do so. Doing this in stages might help them with the grieving process and it is very important not to rush the parents into getting rid of or donating things that they might have had ready for the baby.

In the early days and weeks after their baby dies, many bereaved parents find it extremely difficult to do everyday things such as cooking, housework, shopping, sorting out bills, or walking the dog. Parents may find it helpful if you are able to offer to help with some of these types of things.

However, parents may also need privacy sometimes, even if they want you to be around at other times. It may be helpful if you offer to leave after providing some help. On the other hand, if they need you to stay for a while and you have only limited time, it is best to let them know this early in the visit.

You might like to offer to help organise a funeral for the baby if the parents decide to have one. They may need time to decide what will be right for them. This can be difficult, especially if there are different ways of doing things or differing religious beliefs in the family. You may be able to offer the parents support and time to make the decisions that feel right for them as well as help them explore the options available.

Young parents are also likely to need a great deal of practical help and support even if there are two parents involved. This may be very important if young friends are unable to provide the support that the parents need or if they are not around.

It is really important that young people are not judged for being pregnant and that it is not assumed that the pregnancy was a mistake. If the parents are still at school or in education, there may be student support services available. Sands is able to work with these services to ensure that support is offered in a sensitive way.