The death of a baby at any time during pregnancy is a major bereavement for the baby’s parents. However, how the death affects the wider family isn’t often fully understood. Not everyone realises the need for other family members or close friends to grieve or to share their distress.
Some people change the subject if the baby is mentioned, or unknowingly say insensitive or hurtful things. Often they don’t know what to say or are frightened of causing more distress. Many bereaved parents say that some friends and acquaintances cross the road to avoid having to talk to them, or stop talking to them altogether. You may find that some people do the same with you. You might find it helpful to view this animation: https://www.sands.org.uk/get-involved/sands-campaigns/finding-words
It is possible that you might grieve both for the loss of the baby and for the loss of your own hopes and dreams. You may also grieve for the parents too. It can be extremely upsetting to see someone close to you in distress and be unable to protect them or to take their pain away. If you are a relative, you may also experience difficult feelings of guilt if the baby had a hereditary condition even though there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.
For some relatives and friends, the death of the baby might also bring back painful memories of their own experience of having had a baby who died. Until the 1980s, the death of a baby was often not recognised as traumatic and most parents did not receive much understanding or support. Parents were likely to have been told to forget about their baby, to have another, and to carry on as though nothing had happened. They may not have been allowed to see or hold their baby, or make any special memories. However, even with sensitive and supportive care, the grief that follows a baby’s death remains and may be reawakened many years later.
It is normal to experience strong emotions of sadness and loss. You are welcome to access Sands support resources and the Sands Helpline. If you are finding it hard to manage everyday life or work, you may want to seek professional help. You can make an appointment with your GP and explain how you are feeling. They can refer you for specialist help and support if needed. You may also like to seek counselling directly. Please do get in touch with Sands’ Bereavement team to help you with this.
