Category: 2. Saying goodbye to your baby

• It could take at least six months before you will be able to set a headstone for your baby.
• There might be restrictions on what you can place on and around your baby’s grave. Please contact the cemetery for more information.

If your baby was cremated, and it is possible to collect the ashes, you will have time to decide what to do with them.

There are various options for burying, immersing or scattering your baby’s ashes:

• The crematorium could bury or scatter the ashes in a special place in the crematorium grounds. The crematorium will have regulations about this.
• You could choose to scatter the ashes in a place that is special to you such as woodland or in your own garden, though before you decide, consider whether you might move home in the future.
• You could choose to scatter or immerse them in water as long as the urn you use is biodegradable. You might like to scatter flowers or petals as well. Phone your Local Environment Agency office to make sure that the site you are thinking of falls within their guidance.
• If you want to keep the ashes, you could store them in an urn or another container of your choosing. There are also frames that have a compartment at the back to hold ashes behind the photograph.
• You could also choose to have jewellery made from ashes.

Just as with adult funerals, you can choose the type of service you would like to have, including an order of service, readings, music and flowers, and let people know what colours you would like them to wear to the funeral. You may like to have a small gathering after the service.

If you choose not to have flowers at the funeral, you might like to request donations instead to a charity of your choice, and Sands has funeral envelopes and other resources available. You may choose to hold the funeral service at an external public venue or you may prefer a more intimate space such as your home or your garden.

Some parents ask a friend or relative to take photographs. It is important to let them know exactly what you want them to do and especially if there are any times during the service that you want them to avoid taking photographs. Photos can provide you with precious mementoes and remind you of the people who came to honour your baby and to support you. These photos may also be helpful for young siblings as they grow older, or as a way of starting a conversation with them about their brother or sister.

If you want photos or a video of the funeral ceremony itself, check first with the person leading the funeral, the funeral director and any staff involved in the funeral. It is usually possible as long as the funeral is only for your baby and is not shared with others.

If you are making funeral arrangements without the help of a funeral director, the staff at the crematorium will give you copies of the forms you need to complete. If you have decided to have a cremation for your baby, you will need additional cremation forms in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. These are no longer needed in Scotland.

In England and Wales, you will need a cremation form that is signed by a registered doctor if your baby died after birth. Your midwife or doctor can give you more information. You do not need this form if your baby died before birth or after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy.

In Northern Ireland, you will need a cremation form and a confirmatory medical certificate form to cremate your baby if they died before birth at a minimum of 24 weeks, or if they died after birth. These forms need to be signed by two different doctors. Your midwife or doctor can give you more information.

If your baby needs a post-mortem examination, you will need to wait until this is completed before you can hold the funeral. If a referral has been made to the coroner or procurator fiscal (in Scotland), there may be a slightly longer delay before the funeral can be held. The coroner’s or procurator fiscal’s officer will explain what will happen and provide expected timescales for returning your baby to you.

If your baby died before birth and had not completed 24 weeks (legally described as a “late miscarriage”), the death cannot be officially registered. Although it is not an official document, Sands provides some certificates for you to keep as an acknowledgement of your baby. if you would like one please contact our Bereavement Support Services on helpline@sands.org.uk.

The funeral director, crematorium or cemetery will usually need a form or letter from the hospital or your GP to confirm that your baby died before birth before 24 completed weeks of pregnancy. A burial or cremation can then be arranged.

If you have chosen not to have the hospital arrange a funeral for your baby, you could contact a funeral director to assist you. A few crematoria will accept cremations through funeral directors only. The hospital staff may be able to give you the contact details of local funeral directors who specialise in funerals for babies. You can also find information in the Good Funeral Guide http://www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk or the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD) website at http://www.nafd.org.uk

It is important to make sure that the funeral director you choose is a member of a professional body such as NAFD. The funeral director will ask you to sign a form allowing them to collect your baby from the hospital mortuary and they can usually organise the other paperwork that is required.

One of the key questions for parents who have opted for a cremation is whether they will receive ashes of their baby. This could depend on:

• Whether or not you have opted for an individual or joint cremation: Ashes are available for individual cremations only. For shared cremations, all the ashes will be buried or scattered together in a special place in the crematorium grounds.
• The size of your baby: If your baby is very small, the amount of ashes might be very little. Some ashes usually get absorbed in the cremation chamber. This means that there might be no ashes left.
• The facilities at the crematorium: Some crematoria have special facilities to protect ashes even for babies who are very small. You can enquire in advance to help you choose the right crematorium.

The ashes will contain remains of any items that are cremated with your baby inside the coffin. Any items that are placed on top of the coffin may be removed before the coffin is placed in the cremation chamber.

You may choose to scatter your baby’s ashes somewhere special to you, a favourite walk or woodland. If you choose to scatter your baby’s ashes in a crematorium, they may have regulations about what you can place near the area where the ashes are buried or scattered. You may, however, be able to have a plaque placed somewhere else in the crematorium gardens.

Burials arranged by the hospital are often in a shared grave in the hospital cemetery. Although many babies are buried together, they will still be in their own coffins. Some hospitals offer parents the option of an individual grave as well. Individual graves are most commonly offered to parents of those babies who died after birth or who died at a later stage in pregnancy. Similarly, individual cremations are often reserved for those babies who died after birth or at a later stage in pregnancy.

Many cemeteries have a special area for babies’ graves. Most cemeteries have restrictions about what can be placed on or around a grave and it is usually not possible to put a headstone or memorial on a shared grave. You may be able to make your own arrangements for a plaque somewhere else in the cemetery. Although the hospital would be arranging the funeral, you can contact the cemetery directly to ask about memorial options.

If the hospital offers to arrange your baby’s funeral, there may not be as many choices as you would have if you make your own arrangements.

Hospital funeral ceremonies for babies are usually led by one of the hospital chaplains. Most hospitals hold a shared funeral ceremony at regular intervals for all the babies who have died within a certain period of time. Some hospitals might be able to organise an individual ceremony for your baby if that is what you prefer.

Shared funeral ceremonies are usually non-denominational and suitable for those of faith and of no faith as well. Parents, and anyone else they want to invite, are usually welcome to attend. The ceremony may be held in a hospital chapel, crematorium or cemetery chapel. You could ask the hospital chaplain if it is possible to include a poem, a reading, or music that has meaning for you. You might also like to take some flowers with you. The hospital can arrange a funeral for your baby even if you don’t feel able to attend.

If the hospital offers you an individual funeral, you can choose a hospital chaplain or another religious leader to lead the ceremony. If there is no religious leader of your own faith, the hospital might be able to recommend someone. You might instead choose a non-religious leader.

Some hospitals offer both burials and cremations. In areas where the cost of graves is very high, hospitals may offer only cremation, or burial in a shared grave.

If you are arranging the funeral yourself, you will need to think about the type of ceremony you would like. For some bereaved parents, their baby’s funeral will be the first funeral they have had to think about, and for some it will be the first they have ever had to attend. Couples sometimes find that want different things and need time to reach decisions. You may also want time to discuss your choices with family members and close friends. If you have had twins or more babies from a multiple birth who have died, you may want them to share a coffin and a funeral.

If you have older children, you may want to include them in planning your baby’s funeral. Likewise, if you have a baby who is in hospital, you might like to wait until they recover and take them to their sibling’s funeral. It is important that you make a decision that feels right for you at the time.  

If you need to arrange a funeral very quickly for religious or other reasons, please tell the hospital staff. They will advise you about urgent registration so that you can see if this is a possibility.

If your baby is at the funeral home or the hospital, you can ask the funeral director to take them to the venue of the funeral. If you do not want a hearse, you could ask that your baby be transported in an ordinary car. Some funeral directors have cars that are adapted to carry a small coffin and have space for the family.

You will also have the option of collecting your baby and taking them to the ceremony yourself. If you are using a taxi, make sure that they agree in advance to transport a coffin. If your baby is at home, you can take them directly to the funeral.