Category: 7. Information and support for relatives and friends

A single parent may never have had any support from their partner or may not have had a partner. Alternatively, their relationship may have broken down during the pregnancy or as a result of stress caused by their baby’s death. They are likely to need a great deal of support from their family and friends and it is important to offer support if you feel able.

The death of a baby can place a huge amount of stress on a couple. It can be very difficult for couples to find mutual support in each other as they grieve, especially as they may not feel or need the same things at the same time. They may also find it hard to understand and sympathise with each other’s reactions and behaviour.

If a bereaved couple feels angry and hurt by each other’s behaviour, it can also be tempting to “take sides”. However, it may be more helpful if you can try to support both parents.

If the baby was born through surrogacy, one or both of the parents would be genetically related to the baby. Even though neither would have been pregnant with the baby, as intended parents, they would have still experienced the death of their baby and need support.

Surrogate mothers, i.e., those who are pregnant but do not intend to become parents through the pregnancy, may still need support for the death of the baby. Although they won’t necessarily be genetically related to the baby, they may still need to grieve for the baby and face many of the same challenges as any birth mother would.

Prospective adoptive parents and foster parents might be awaiting the arrival of a new baby. It is important to recognise the death of the baby as the death of their baby as well and to support them as they need. While they might not be actively involved in preparations for the funeral or be making other practical decisions, they will have still experienced a loss. They may need to explore their own ways to mark the death of the baby and could benefit from support. You might like to help them by asking what they need.

You may notice that most people focus on supporting the birth mother and assume that her partner will be able to support her. People may not realise that parents who haven’t physically given birth may also be profoundly affected by the death of their baby; as a result, their needs and feelings may not be recognised. In addition to experiencing their own grief, partners are often also witnessing the birth mother’s pain and distress and may appreciate being asked how they are and having their own pain recognised.

It is often the partner who has the hard task of breaking the news of the baby’s death to family and friends and of coping with their shock and pain. If the couple already have children, they may also need to find a way of ensuring that they are cared for and to explain to them what has happened. When the mother is ill or if her life is in danger, her partner may also face additional fear and worry.

If the parents have named the baby, and they would like people to use the baby’s name, it is important that you do this as well. Using the baby’s name is important acknowledgement for many parents. You may also want to include the baby when talking about how many grandchildren, cousins, nieces or nephews you have, but ask what the parents would like you to do.

It can be extremely hard to offer support under these circumstances if you do not have support for yourself. Having a safe place where you can express your own grief and pain, can be very helpful. You may have your own friends you can contact.

You could also contact Sands for support as our support services are available for parents, families and anyone else who has been affected by the death of a baby.

Offering support can feel complicated. The extent to which you want or feel able to be involved, can be affected by your relationship with the baby’s parents and how you have dealt with shared problems and grief in the past.
Some parents need time and privacy and want to work things out on their own. They may want to talk to you but they may also prefer to talk to someone else, or use one of Sands Bereavement Support Services.

It is important to listen to the parents to understand what support they need. Everyone grieves differently so offering a form of help that might have been beneficial for you in the same situation might not be helpful for them.

If they refuse your offers of help or want to be alone, you may feel hurt or excluded. However, they need to do what feels right for them at the time. This does not mean that they will not value further efforts you may make to support them when they are ready and they may also be so distressed that they cannot appreciate your offers of help.

It can be difficult to find the right balance between being supportive and being intrusive. It can also be hard to show bereaved parents that you care without saddening them with your own grief, making them feel that they need to support you, or that your grief “overshadows” theirs. They may need to be reassured that you care about their baby and about them, however, it is important that they should not feel that they have to comfort you. The Sands Bereavement Support Team is available to support parents as well as other family members and friends.

Relationships can come under additional strain when there is a bereavement and grief may make it harder than usual to see other people’s points of view and to accept different ways of doing things. It can be helpful to remember that remarks about how you think the parents are coping, or advice on how you think they should be grieving, can feel hurtful. Being there to listen is often the best form of support.

In addition to providing support to the parents, you might find that you grieve together. This could be helpful as long as each person is doing what they need at the time. It can be useful to allow time to grieve separately as well.

In addition to the grief of the parents, many family members and friends will feel waves of sadness when other children they know, who were born around the same time, start nursery or primary school, or begin to be independent.

A living child’s progress is inevitably a reminder of what might have been. You might want to acknowledge various anniversaries for yourself as well as sharing them with the baby’s parents.

If a baby is stillborn or has died shortly after birth, parents are asked if they would like to see and hold their baby. For many parents, the time they spend with their baby becomes a precious memory. Not all parents will decide to see their baby. The parents may ask you if you would like to see and hold the baby. If they do, and you feel this is something you would like to do, seeing the baby can give you precious memories to share with the parents in the future. It can also be helpful for parents if someone else has seen and perhaps held their baby. If the parents invite you to see or hold the baby, and you do not feel able to do so, it is important to let the parents know in as gentle a way as possible.

If the baby died in neonatal care, you might have already seen and held them while they were alive. You might have visited them in hospital and bought them presents. You might have seen them in an incubator with numerous tubes and in only a nappy. This might be the first time that you are seeing them clothed and without tubes.