Telling anyone that a baby has died can be difficult. Telling children may be especially challenging as it can be hard to work out the right amount of information to provide them with and to explain it in a way that works for their age and ability. It is also difficult to offer reassurance to children about a situation that cannot be changed. If you do not feel able to tell your children what has happened, you may be able to ask a close family member or friend to tell them for you or help you to tell them. For example, this person could help explain what has happened and explain why you are sad. The person could also explain why they, rather than you, may need to look after them.
If your baby died on a neonatal unit, there may be a counsellor, psychologist or play therapist who could help you with this.
When deciding what to tell your children, it is natural to feel anxious and protective towards them. It is important to consider their age and their ability to understand. Try not to let any possible fear that they might get upset determine what you tell them. It is important for children to know that it is okay to cry and that they might see you crying as well. When talking with your children, you might like to start by telling them what happened, without including too much detail. You could also say, “We are sad because our baby has died. When someone dies, it means that we won’t be able to see them again.” You can then be led by their questions. You might like to include the baby’s name if you have one and the gender if this is known. Let your children know that they can come back to you to ask questions at other times. They may accept your simple explanation and immediately change the subject, or carry on with their previous activity. This is very normal.
Young children who visited the baby in neonatal intensive care might have believed that the baby would get better and go home. They could be confused and distressed as to why this has not happened. It is likely that their own lives were disrupted as their parents spent long periods of time with the baby in hospital. They might also have started to develop their own relationship with the baby. It is important to encourage them to talk about how they are feeling and to explain why the baby died.
Some children might like to know about the funeral or ask where we go when we die. You might have religious beliefs that could influence your answers, or wish to provide more secular or neutral answers such as “Some people believe…” or “We don’t know where people go.”. For young children, focus on what might happen at the funeral so that they know what to expect. Young children might need reassurance that the baby can’t feel anything. Otherwise, they might find the idea of a burial or cremation frightening. You could say, “When people die, we bury them.” or “When people die, we cremate them.” and explain what this means.
One way to help younger children understand death and dying is to read them books for children that discuss these topics in an age-appropriate manner. You could ask a relative or friend to do this for you. The Sands online shop stocks various children’s books that you can order as does Winston’s Wish. You can also check your local library for appropriate books.