Even very young children usually sense when something is wrong. If they are not told what is happening, they may be frightened and imagine they are at fault for making you feel sad.
It is best to use direct language rather than words and phrases that also have other meanings. For example, telling a young child that the baby is sleeping could be confusing and worrying as they might not want to go to bed. Similarly, words such as “lost” or “gone” could lead them to think that they might also get lost or go away. These words could also lead to false hope such as thinking that the baby might wake up or be found. The child may worry about whether the same could happen to them or to you. Similarly, saying that the baby was unwell might frighten the child when they are unwell.
Like adults, children of any age may experience a range of feelings; these may not come in any particular order or at any predictable time. Similar to those of adults, children’s feelings may be complicated and conflicting.
Children sometimes have mixed feelings when a new brother or sister is expected. A child who felt jealous during the pregnancy might feel guilty after the death of their sibling. It can be helpful to try to reassure a child that the death was nobody’s fault and that nothing they did or thought made the baby die.
Some children may feel angry towards the baby who died or towards their parents. Children may also fear that they or others close to them might die as well. They may be more upset than usual at being separated from their parents, especially if their mother is critically ill or has to stay in hospital.
As with adults, children, especially younger children, might find it difficult to express their feelings. Look for changes in behaviour, especially acts of going back to younger behaviours. For example, a child who is toilet-trained might want to wear nappies again or start wetting the bed. Children might become clingy or dependent. There might also be changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and there might be a tendency to fall sick. Maintaining a routine as far as possible is really helpful and giving lots of opportunity for children to ask questions.
It is common for children to express their feelings through play, drawing or painting. This can give you an idea of what your child is thinking and feeling as well as give them an opportunity to express how they feel. Consider what external support your child might need, either from relatives or friends, or through play therapy. Professionals such as your child’s health visitor, teachers, child minders and your health visitor, should be informed so that they can support your child accordingly. Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK specialise in supporting bereaved children and have various resources available through their website.
Children will generally move through the broad stages of understanding as described below but there can be a great deal of variation. If a child has already experienced the death of a family member or friend or has a learning disability, this may affect their understanding and response. It is important to check their understanding even if they have been bereaved previously.