When grieving the death of a baby, people’s feelings can also be very complicated and vary a great deal. These can have an impact on your physical health and influence physical contact with your partner. You might be associating sex with creating your baby, and this can cause anxiety about having sex. Try to accept your feelings rather than fight them and try to resist the pressure to be “strong”.
Some people may not feel ready or able to have sex. Other people may find that it is comforting or reassuring to have sex. Grief can also lead to a loss of sexual desire for some people. Mothers particularly can also feel that their body has “let them down” and their self-esteem and self-worth is affected. There may be new scars and changes to the mother’s body magnified by the loss of the baby.
When considering when to have sex, it is important that the mother has healed from any surgery, and that the cervix (neck of the womb) is closed again as otherwise sex could lead to infection. Oral sex, where the mother is the recipient, should also be avoided because there is a small but serious risk of air getting into the mother’s bloodstream and this can be fatal.
Physical healing from birth usually takes approximately six weeks, but grief and bereavement and any kind of psychological impact can have an effect on physical responses, for example vaginal dryness and inability to have an erection are common physical responses to trauma. Sometimes physical closeness is enough whilst you heal.
Often, people wait after the six-week check-up before starting to have sex again, if they feel ready. Be patient with yourself and each other as it’s a complicated and distressing time.
If you feel the need for professional support, consider accessing psychosexual counselling either directly or through your GP.