It was only in the mid-1980s that the death of a baby around the time of birth began to be recognised as a major bereavement. Until then, a baby who was born dead at any gestation was swiftly removed from the labour ward: you may have been given no opportunity to see or you’re your baby.
You may have been sedated after the birth because it was thought that this would help you forget. There was a general belief, both amongst professionals and society as a whole, that it was best to carry on as though nothing had happened. You may have been discouraged from talking about or remembering your baby and discouraged from expressing grief.
As part of a couple in the 1970s, male partners may have been expected to be fairly detached from pregnancy and may have been excluded from the labour ward. It was only in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s that fathers began to stay with their partners during labour. Even then they were often tolerated, rather than welcomed as fathers with their own needs. When a baby died, the father’s feelings were often ignored. He may have been expected to be strong and self-contained, and to focus solely on supporting the mother. Bereaved fathers were often told to encourage their partner to forget the baby who had died and to have another baby as soon as possible.
In order to “protect” bereaved mothers, fathers were also often expected to take any decisions that had to be made. If, later on, there was regret about what was decided, many fathers felt responsible and blamed themselves. Same sex parents were unlikely to be recognised as such, further isolating biological fathers and co-mothers.
All this meant that many parents grieved in silence. Few felt able to talk about what had happened or how they were feeling, even to each other, let alone to their closest family and friends. For some couples, this led to the end of their relationship. Many parents felt completely isolated; they worried that their feelings and reactions.
For mothers giving birth on their own, or for separated couples, the isolation and lack of support may have been made worse by societal or cultural attitudes.
You may not have given your baby a name, either because nobody suggested it or because you were not told whether your baby was a boy or a girl. Most parents didn’t know what happened to their baby’s body and didn’t feel able to ask. Babies who died before 28 completed weeks of pregnancy (changed to 24 weeks in 1992) could not be legally registered: parents had no proof that their babies had ever existed. Even when babies were registered, many parents were not given a certificate.
Due to the work of Sands and other organisations, attitudes and practices when a baby died before or around the time of birth gradually began to change.
Nowadays, health professionals are far more aware of the impact of the death of a baby. Parents are offered opportunities to see and hold their baby, to name him or her, to collect keepsakes such as hand and foot prints and identity bracelets, and to make their own decisions about funeral arrangements and memorials.
Since 1992, babies who are stillborn after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy have been registered, so more parents have a certificate to provide official recognition of their baby’s existence. And when a baby is born dead before 24 weeks, the parents are sometimes offered a certificate by the hospital or a certificate produced by Sands (details on page 23). Increasingly, people in wider society also recognise that the death of a baby before or around the time of birth is a major bereavement and has life-long consequences.
Although it can be comforting to know that things have generally changed for the better, this doesn’t remove the pain of those parents whose care was poor and insensitive. Memories of things that were said, done, or not done may still be with you decades later.
Some parents feel guilty that they did not somehow do more for their baby, or make different decisions. If you feel like this, it’s important to remember that you were doing your best in traumatic circumstances, in a state of shock and grief, maybe with little support or information. Although nothing can change the past, Sands is here to support you if you would like to talk or write about your baby. There are things that you and your family can do now commemorate a baby who died long ago. Below, we explain how you may be able to trace a baby’s grave or record of cremation if you to try to want to find out what happened to the baby’s body. We also describe some other things that you might like to do.